Posted by: canthold | February 2, 2007

What Was Meant To Be

I had an epiphany yesterday. I spent last night, then early this morning, mulling over what it meant. Here’s my gem:

I’m going to be the person I was meant to be. And, oddly enough, it’s not whom I thought.

I like to refer to myself as an information junkie. When I discover a new topic of interest, I will dive in head first. I check out a stack of books from the library, do Internet searches, check to see if anyone I know is an expert, and so on. My quest for information lasts until I either satisfy my curiosity, become an expert myself, or suffer from information overload. On one of my recent quests, I read something that made me realize that I was going down the wrong path.

I have known since I was a very little (very little!) girl that I wanted to be a writer. I wanted to be Nelly Bly, then I wanted to be Lillian Hellman. Then I wanted to be JD Salinger. I didn’t want to be Silvia Plath. I started my first novel in fourth grade and sent it off to a publisher. The man who responded was very encouraging, but wouldn’t buy my book.

I went on to study journalism in junior high (which is now called middle school for some reason) and I took every English class offered at my high school. It was my intent to study journalism in college and win a Pulitzer. That didn’t happen. I changed my mind. I was surrounded by unsupportive people. I needed to earn a living and college didn’t come when it was supposed to – it happened much later for me. And by then, I took a practical route and studied finance.

But the dream of writing was always there. Fast forward to my Mom Years. Since becoming a full-time mom, I have written a screenplay and a novel. (Yes, I finished my Nanowrimo novel! Yippee! I’m a winner!) I also write this blog and until yesterday, I have had my heart set on making a living as a freelance writer.

Freelance writing has been the club for which I haven’t been able to figure out the secret handshake. I simply thought that if I could write worth a damn, I could sell my work and make some money. I still don’t know why I can’t do more than send away for rejection letters. I’m missing something somewhere.

In my epiphany, however, it dawned on me that my failure to succeed at freelance writing was due to the fact that my heart wasn’t really in it.

I read something yesterday when I was looking for an information fix – and for the life of me I can’t retrace my steps – that prompted me to find what I really want, and not just what I think that I want. I have been thinking that I want to earn money freelancing. But really what I want is to write. I want to write. It’s as simple as that.

I remember back to ninth grade. I told my English teacher that I wanted to be a columnist and she told me I was too young. While she was right about my needing life experience to be a better writer, I remember it more as her telling me I can’t do it. So after I had my epiphany about what I really want, the thought came back to me that I want to be a columnist. I want to have a regular column that people read.

And it smells a lot like a blog. This blog.

So why do I only write this occasionally when I really want to do it all the time? I don’t know. But I’m going to start writing more. And I’m going to write about my never ending journey to find my true self, and interesting information, and tidbits about life and living it to the fullest.

And I may keep trying to sell some freelance articles, but it doesn’t matter if I do. It’s like my Sewing Machine Experience, which I will relate at another time.

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