Posted by: canthold | September 6, 2007

The Flaw Has Flown

Yesterday when I had my very expensive cup of coffee, I un-wound my flaw and relaxed, which means that I did nothing.

I can sometimes get a sense that something is or isn’t going to happen. I won’t go so far as to say that I’m psychic (nor psycho), but I get this feeling and it’s usually spot on. It started when I checked out tons of books on teaching from the library so that I would be prepared to substitute: I would not be teaching. Mind you, this happened while I was barreling full-steam ahead with my plan. I dismissed it, as I usually do, but it never went away.

When I started kicking myself for signing up to pay someone to watch my kids so that I could watch someone else’s, I had a crystal clear vision of what I should be doing. I un-raveled the whole shebang.

I fantasize about working outside the home in a high-powered job with challenging responsibilities, meaningful feedback, and perks. And by perks, I mean the big paychecks, fancy lunches, and expense accounts. But the longer that I stay away, the less confident that I feel that I’ll end up back on the fast-track express conveyor belt to Type-A Personalityland. You know, the Old Me.

Granted, teaching is not exactly in the same realm of my fantasies, and perhaps that’s why it never seems to work out. This calling that I have, to go in that direction, turns to a mere whisper when it all comes down to it. But that’s okay. I’m okay with letting life speak to me as it will, when it’s ready.

So after the reality of my hare-brained idea to substitute sunk in, I cancelled all of my daycare and extended preschool hours and fixed myself a normal schedule. And after reading what someone wrote about their mom not playing with them because they were always cleaning, I hoped that I wasn’t like that, but decided to make an effort not to be. I signed up to volunteer in my First Grader’s classroom to work the Writer’s Workshop. I start next week. How cool is that?

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