Posted by: canthold | October 30, 2007

Holding Back

Speaking my mind has been a quality that I’ve come to accept about myself. Perhaps it’s a broken regulator that keeps me from holding back. Perhaps it’s a boldness that allows me to speak up. Either way, after spending much of my younger days kicking myself for saying too much and wishing I were quiet and meek, I’m okay with it now.

Usually.

In the last couple of days, I have been haunted by things that I’ve said that have come back to hurt me. The dialogues run over and over and I can’t help but cringe. I wish that I had held my tongue. Water under the bridge, right? Well, not so fast.

I started to write a post yesterday and my inner censor kept hitting the delete button. I wanted to vent a little about someone and I couldn’t remember if this particular person read my blog. I kind of doubt it. If said person had read it, I doubt they are a regular reader anyhow.

But I could not bring myself to complain about the little things this person has done to hurt my feelings either knowingly or unknowingly. (And I will give them the benefit of the doubt about the unknowingly part, since I do that all the time.) Because as much as this can be the way I get things off my chest and out of my mind, I would not want to hurt this person’s feelings. I held my tongue. (And in case I were to change my mind, the power went out briefly and my post was lost to the ether.) (So much for saving as I go!)

There is something to be said for a period of waiting. Waiting to say what you really think, just in case it cools off. It’s certainly not a new idea to sleep on it or count to ten. I’m better at doing that than I used to be. Of course, the times that I speak before I stew on something to make it bigger than it ever could be without holding it inside for a long time, I’ve thought I was doing the right thing, but instead, I spoke too soon.

I know that this is part of who I am. I’m not afraid to make a fool out of myself and if I’m going to be in a relationship with anyone, I need to feel safe enough to be myself. I don’t hurt anyone on purpose anymore – and haven’t deliberately tried to do anything of the sort for over 12-years (or so I remember it that way). If I hurt people or destroy my relationships, it is an unintended consequence of my personality run-amok.

So if you’re a friend and I’ve said something to offend you, I’m terribly sorry, I don’t even know that I’ve done it until it’s too late. And if you’re wracking your brain trying to figure out what the heck I’m talking about, perhaps you can just imagine that this is a hypothetical example. I certainly wouldn’t tell you the secret, since speaking up the first time got me into trouble. I think I learned something.

Just shut up. Hold back.

Yeah, right.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

Categories

%d bloggers like this: