Posted by: canthold | December 20, 2007

Under the Weather

I haven’t been myself lately. I was bitten by the Bahhum bug and it’s made me feel a bit blue. I know that depression is common during the holiday season, but what I’m experiencing isn’t holiday related, per se. I don’t know what it is.

It’s been hard for me to write as often as I want to because I just don’t feel any joy on most days. It’s all I can do to get through the grind and handle the responsibilities that I have. Not to mention, I need to keep a good game face for my kids, who don’t really get why Mommy is not herself.

Quite often my holiday spirit is triggered by some exterior cues. It didn’t happen for me this year. Even the sing-along with my first grader’s school didn’t do it for me. The holiday party at the preschool, where I discovered I only had three friends at the whole school, only made it worse. I didn’t feel warm and toasty but alone and isolated.

My Christmas cards have just gone out, when they usually go out late November (maybe not last year, but in many years past) and all of my shopping is done. (I think! I need to wrap it all to make sure it’s all there, I guess.) And there isn’t anything left to be done, save pick up the bike that my four-year-old is getting. I had it put together at Toys R Us and then couldn’t pick it up because the parking lot was so full that people were parking on the landscaping.

My tree is under-decorated. It seems that I have far less ornaments than in any other year. This is probably because I used to put up bulbs, and stopped when my kids were born. More likely, though, since my kids think it’s simply a display for a whole new set of toys, there are less ornaments because they remove them to play. Then, they disappear or get broken.

I bought a new strand of lights for the tree this year, but I should have used more than just the one. I wasn’t in the mood to figure out why my strands from years past weren’t working. The whole blinking/non-blinking drives me crazy. The blinking gives me visual disturbances that can give me vertigo. I’d prefer that they stayed on, but my new strand blinks. I haven’t cared enough to figure out what to do about it. I haven’t felt the spirit enough to gaze at the beauty of the tree like I do every year, either.

I don’t know what’s wrong. I’m sure it will pass. I want my kids to have a nice Christmas and I’ve given my husband everything on his list. I suddenly discovered that my oldest daughter has put an American Girl Doll in her letter to Santa that I just read this morning. It’s probably too late to get that for her. I had not heard up until this time that she was interested in them, though I figured it was inevitable for her to get one, one of these days.

So, I just might sneak some chocolate out of my youngest daughter’s advent calendar (she forgets to eat it and there is still a lot left.) Play some Christmas tunes on the stereo and do a I-want-to-be-Christmas-y dance. Maybe I’ll even take a shower today…



  1. I know what you mean about Christmas blues. I get them too, and it’s tough because everyone else is so dang cheerful. I’ve been struggling all week with it. I’m hoping that today’s arrival of my parents will lift my spirits.

    Take care of yourself. Eat some chocolate.

  2. As prescibed, I’ll try more chocolate. And chocolate goes with wine…you catch my drift?

  3. Yep. I went out to dinner the other night with friends and had wine AND chocolate. Of course, I got a migraine the next day, but it was worth it.

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