Posted by: canthold | September 17, 2008

At Bedtime

I know that it’s been a while since I’ve written. Quite frankly, I have never been so exhausted emotionally and physically that when I sit in front of my computer, nothing comes out.

Nothing.

It’s like I flushed all my independent thoughts down the toilet and all I can do is watch the spinning water and wonder what I was doing in the bathroom in the first place. Can you relate?

Being a Kindergarten Aide this year is like the best job and the worst job rolled into one. I mean, at least I don’t have to give babies shots and there is that part where they actually pay me to be adored by a bunch of little angels.

Except when they’re not.

I don’t really feel that I can write about the specifics of what I’m experiencing, but let me tell you, when a mother of one of the boys in my class came up to me and told me that my name comes up in conversation all the time and he adores me, my heart wanted to melt. It made me so aware of the influence that I have on these kids in the short amount of time that I spend with them. I hope with all my heart that I’m doing a good job.

But meanwhile, it’s 8:33pm and I want to go to sleep more than I’d like a bowl of whipped cream. And I still haven’t written about Palin – and how I think that it’s great she’s a woman and all, but I don’t want feminists to vote for her because she would be a backslide for us. She stands for the exact opposite of what I believe to my core. Though, I kind of like her in a weird way and don’t want anyone to bash her because women need to protect each other – even if we don’t agree.

And how the two things that I’ve always thought I wanted – to run for office and teach – are very possibly something that I’m just not cut out for. It’s like discovering my nose doesn’t fit my face after all this time or discovering I was adopted. Who am I now? What else don’t I know? Is this just a phase?

It feels like I’m turning 40 all over again this year. My birthday is Saturday and I’m on the fence now about turning 41 or 39. I think this mid-life crisis is going to last as long as pre-menopause, which is rumored to be up to eight-years.

Heavy sigh.

Yawn.

Roger Wilco.

Over and Out.

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Responses

  1. Happy almost birthday.

    And I’m impressed that you manage kindergarteners all day. I get the willies if I spend too much time around herds of five-year-olds. I can only handle them in small doses, like just my own.


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