Posted by: canthold | September 24, 2008

Exponential Expansion

This week has been a pretty good one. After having a roller coaster birthday weekend when I oscillated between feeling special and having the blues, this week has gone down as smooth as a bowl of whipped cream. (We’ve finally run out and I won’t be having anymore for a while. My jeans are happy about that.)

Either I’ve gotten the hang of my job or my kids have gotten the hang of me, or – and I don’t even want to think about this being true – that I’m wiser  now that I’m older. I don’t know what or how or why, but I’m in the groove.

While I’ve been feeling like my nose doesn’t fit my face as I try to figure out what I want to be when I grow up, today hit me in a different way. I actually sat down and had coffee with someone (during my one of my brief (oh so brief) breaks in my day) and explained why  I thought I wanted to be a teacher.

It felt so much like that thing about learning something better when you’re showing someone how to do something. Does that make sense? By explaining why I wanted to teach to someone, I was reminding myself of all the reasons I’ve been contemplating this profession for the last 20-years. I think I can detach my reasons and passion from the everyday minutia. Every job has its grind, but the big picture is what changes.

I can list as many reasons not to teach as I can for wanting to, but when you have called to something, time and again, and feel passionately about the pursuit, it’s not easy to ignore the call. I almost feel like I’m putting a pillow over my head to avoid the call, but no matter what method I use, the phone is still ringing.

I don’t know. Yet, I guess I do.

What now? Whom do I have to convince? Is it still me?

Let me just say – when kids recognize me outside of class as the person who works at their school – or even especially in their class – they are so excited to see me. That joy that they show on their little faces expands exponentially when it reaches me and I feel like the luckiest person alive. For all my self-doubts, I get a boost that I’m doing something right to make this little one happy. Could I want anything more from my life?

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