Posted by: canthold | October 2, 2008

Energy Failure

If there was ever a day that needed to be let loose on my blog, it would have been today. There is a Sponge Bob episode where he sings a song called “The Best Day Ever” and it’s so catchy. I love it.

I sang it in my head all day long as “The Worst Day Ever.”

I’ve had some bad days as an Aide this year, but I didn’t think they’d get worse. I didn’t think I’d still be sliding down  hill. I thought I was getting the hang of everything and getting into my groove. I couldn’t be further from a groove  unless you happened to have made one with your fingernails on a chalkboard. I’m in that  groove.

I feel like someone painted a dotted white stripe down the middle of my body so the kids can use it as a guide as they run me over.

My whole passion for working with kids and the love I have for my own centers around the way each child is an individual with separate and unique learning styles, coping styles and interests. I want to be able to connect on those unique levels and make a difference. Unfortunately, being drawn and quartered to make myself more available for these children wasn’t in my plan.

I’ve been looking at my experience as my own failure. I’ve been looking at the way I’ve been challenged in this job as a series of things that I haven’t been able to do. A friend pointed out today that perhaps there are other machinations at work here setting me up to fail. Unfortunately, I don’t really know what to do. Running in traffic crossed my mind a few times today, but I actually don’t have the energy to do any running whatsoever.

I’m going to have to step back and find a strategy that might help me find where I’m going wrong versus where the system is working against me. They’re kids. Little  kids. I should be able to handle them, right? Isn’t loving them and wanting the very best for them a pretty good arrow to have in my quiver?

And if my intent isn’t enough, when is enough enough? And do you think my HMO would cover a lobotomy?


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