Posted by: canthold | October 5, 2008

Rain and Pain

I had another bad day on Friday. So much so, in fact, that I’ve begun to fantasize about what my life would be like if I weren’t working. Friday was unusual in that I didn’t get vertigo for the first time in… I don’t know how long. But since it usually hits me in the mornings, which means my poor obese dog is not getting his walks – nor enough attention – if I didn’t work I could take him out after getting the kids to school and my vertigo passes.

And I might even be able to get it under control again. I remember the acupuncture making me feel so so so much better but I don’t have time to do it these days. I could get it again and regain some of my composure and peace.

And I could clean my house.

I was absolutely mortified today when a co-worker of my husband’s came to our house today. They were going to ride their bikes up Mt. Tamalpais and this woman – a big wig at his work – came over with a couple other people. I had no warning about this visit or I would have cleaned my house. They were supposed to meet up somewhere neutral but ended up here. I didn’t know this and I had vertigo. I couldn’t even scramble around doing what needed to be done. The stress made my vertigo even more violent and I felt like I was going to puke.

To his credit, my husband straightened up our living room but anything else – if they saw it or not – would have been a disaster. And the upstairs bathroom was dirty. The kids had done something in that sink and it was gross. For my part, being busy or sedated all the time doesn’t help the fact that I’m a terrible housewife anyway.


I could hear this co-worker asking about us going camping. We had gone on Friday night and there were still sleeping bags stashed in the kitchen and crumbles from the forest floor scattered on our  floors. Our tent is in a pile at the front door (outside) and camping chairs were still sitting up by our cars. This person kept thinking that we had gone camping last night when we had, in fact, camped two nights ago. She must have wondered why we (I) didn’t put our stuff away yet. Mortified, I tell you.

All I could do was spin away and do nothing but hide my head and think about how clean I would keep the house if I actually had some free time to do it. I’d be like all the women that I envy at the school who drop their kids off and go work out. They take classes, get their nails done, keep their houses ready for drop in visits, volunteer in their kids’ classrooms, persue individual interests. You know, the Grass is Always Greener kind of stuff.

I have another one of those massively painful headaches right now that feels like someone has planted a hatchet right over my left eye. Crawling under a rock sounds quite attractive, but then you’d miss the story of our camping trip.

I don’t really like camping. I never sleep well and with my (lame) conditions and health issues (that I’m tired of by now) I need a good night’s sleep. My daughter had been giving my husband a hard time about having more “family time.” His solution was to book a campsite at this hard-to-book, but very close and very beautiful camp ground. I was skeptical. I also know (for a fact!) that when I do something entirely for the benefit of others and none for myself that something will go terribly wrong.

It did.

We had a little rain.

At first.

Then we had a LOT of rain and it didn’t stop all through the night and next morning. It was funny when the big splashes would make the numb-me-dumb wine I was drinking out of a plastic cup splash into my face. But I couldn’t drink a whole lot because my little vertigo condition  doesn’t like wine as much as I do. My mom, the super good sport about all things adventurous was there making it bearable and keeping me from complaining as I would if it was just my husband. I was trying really really hard to be a good sport myself. Really, I was.

Wanting to be a good sport and having a funny story to tell about getting completely soaked through to the skin doesn’t make it necessarily fun, though. I was happy to be home the next morning when we simply squished all of our soaking-wet camping equipment into the car and drove home, dumped it on the front porch and didn’t give it one more thought. (Until the co-worker must have wondered why we didn’t clean it up and put it away immediately.)

My head feels like I’ve been on a bender all weekend and my hangover is just a doozy. I only had two little cups of wine Friday night and my body HATES me right now. I just want to feel normal again. Okay, let me rephrase that. Normal now totally sucks. I want to feel healthy again or what I normally  felt like a year ago.

I want to go get my hearing tested to see how much deterioration I’ve experienced so I can see how much suffering I have left to experience.

“I want to wear sandals. I want to go to lunch…” (Quick! What movie?)

I want to stop complaining and tell funny stories. I want to effuse my blog entries with wit and sarcasm and be entertaining instead of whiny.

I know that when I get like this I need an attitude adjustment and stop feeling sorry for myself by thinking about people who are worse off than I am. All I can think of, though, are the people who feel like I do right now because they went our partying and having a good time and feel massively hung over. They’re only worse off than me because they had to spend a lot of money on booze. At least my bank account is not the worse for my wear. There’s that. (But those damn lucky oafs probably had a good time leading up to their hangovers and I just had rain.)

I think I’ll cheer myself up and do some Internet searches on some rare and painful diseases now.


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