Posted by: canthold | November 5, 2008

Sunday Spiders

You must bear with me here. I’m writing this while an incessant chirp from my daughter’s smoke detector goes off every minute. It all started this morning. I heard the chirp and tried to determine which alarm was ready for a new battery and, oh yeah, daylight savings time change over is the time to change the battery anyway. So, I changed the battery in my daughter’s room. A little while later, I heard the chirp in my own bedroom. I changed that battery too. Then I heard it in the upstairs your-chicken-is-done-area which happens to be no where near the kitchen. (I’d link you in to that post, but it’s missing. It must be from that time when my posts got lost into oblivion. Suffice it to say, when roasting a chicken, don’t use a cookie sheet or your smoke detector will detect billows of smoke from your kitchen, no matter where it’s located.)

I changed all the smoke detector batteries and the one in that bedroom is still chirping. It’s about to be replaced by a quieter bird if you know what I mean. (Note to self: buy new smoke detector – and buy one for the other daughter’s new room too so that you don’t appear to be playing favorites.)

I thought of my crazy Saturday post and it wasn’t the Suburban in a compact car parking spot, nor was it the gas that I wanted to write about, it was spiders. If you’ll notice, I have an entire category dedicated to my spider stories. There’s just something about me and spiders, let me tell you.

So, Sunday morning, and I don’t really know how my funny Saturday story actually happened on Sunday, but it did. And maybe I’m just writing in my head to much and it’s really Swiss cheese up there and the Ginkgo Biloba that I started taking hasn’t started working yet. Is there some delay that I don’t know about?

As I was trying to say, on Sunday morning I went to yoga. I wanted to go to the 8:30am class because I heard you shouldn’t do yoga on an empty stomach and the longer I’m up, the more I need to eat SOON. I rolled out of bed and went straight into the bathroom, right next to my side of the bed. Why on earth I looked up is beyond me, but there was a GIANT cellar spider dangling above the door on the outside of the bathroom. I got in there quickly and shut the door. Then I looked up and there was another GIANT cellar spider dangling above the door on the inside, too. Since I was running late (hello, the story of my life!) I left the spiders dangling for the time being.

I arrived at the yoga studio exactly on time, not late, but not early either. Since I’m deaf in my right ear, I always stand or make myself into dogs, trees and mountains on the right of the instructor so as to point my good left ear in her direction. Someone took my spot! I had to stand behind a big post in order to be on that side of the room, which actually gave me a good example to follow as a tree. But anyway, I unrolled my mat and watched a little black spider crawl over to the man to my left-front. I debated in my mind whether to tell him or not. On the one hand, I thought that since my fear of spiders is wimpy that others – especially men – wouldn’t really see it as the big deal that I did. Men don’t really understand this fear and don’t hold it themselves. On the other hand, if a black spider crawled in my direction I’d want to be told. On yet that third hand of that freak with three hands, I didn’t really want to tell the man and have him shriek like a little girl. It was that image that kept me silent. Later, as a cobra, I noticed the crumpled black remains of said spider, probably after encounter with – as it turns out – a manly-man.

When I returned home, I got out my handy-dandy spider killer vacuum and took care of the dangle-y ones. The one in the bathroom was very well camouflaged, I might add, and escaped death by several hours before I discovered him cowering on the outside of my shower door. Yes, I feel badly, but I have to do as nature intended that those of us phobes do: Face our fears (with our fear-facing-suction-devices.)

Is it a coincidence that these spiders are coming around right as I’m starting a new novel? You be the judge.

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