Posted by: canthold | April 1, 2010

The Why

I had a miserable sort of “aha!” moment today when I woke up. “Aha!” sounds so much like a positive thing, fun even, but this was not fun.

My vertigo is back with regularity now and I’ve resorted to taking allergy medicine again. I take it at night so that I can get it into my body without feeling the effects as much, but it really makes me tired. So tired. I-can-barely-drag-myself-out-of-bed tired. What a trade-off!

Then, this morning while leaning forward to pick up a lunchbox, I was knocked almost to the floor (had it not been for the wall to grab onto, I would have) with a violent bout of vertigo. It took about a minute or two to pass. That’s when I realized, amidst the groggy medicine hangover, vertigo from the slightest trigger, and strong desire to crawl back into bed, that I know exactly how I got to be where I am today. This is how I gained all this weight. This is how I stopped exercising. This is Why.

We moved into our house in April of 2006. The insane vertigo started the spring after that and with a few exceptional periods, it has been nearly constant since then. I was able to get rid of it last summer for the longest break I’d had, at the time, but it came back in the fall with less intensity. Off and on through the winter, but I suspect that all the rain we had explains why it was mostly “off.” Now that the rain has stopped, it’s come back with a vengeance.

I don’t feel like doing anything and I suspect that if I can figure out how to rise above feeling like I’m wearing leaded boots and a 40-pound helmet, I can start living fully again. You know, get over it. Keep my glass half-full without dumping onto the bushes. Right now my glass is empty, (which might explain why I’m thirsty) but I want to refill it with coffee instead of water.


Get this, today I was doing drop-off for my youngest and I saw a woman whom I dislike. We were in a mom’s group briefly and I don’t think she liked my input. Anyway, since her son started school where my kids went, I’ve always said hello to her since that’s what I do. I put the feelings of dislike in the closet to pretend that being a part of the same community is more important than past grudges.

When our eyes met today, she looked away!

She snubbed me!

I shouldn’t be surprised. I don’t really like pretending to like someone that I really don’t. But then again, I would have preferred to be the snubber rather than the snubbee. Though, in my defense for my lack of bitch-like behavior, I’d say that it takes a bigger (wo)man to rise above it and nah nah nah, I won.



  1. […] I had an epiphany today. Mystery solved… […]

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