Posted by: canthold | April 18, 2010

House of Critters

Not last night but the night before, I had just gotten into bed, taken my glasses off and closed my eyes when my oldest daughter called me into her room to “take care of” a spider. A black one. I got out of bed and didn’t grab my glasses. I think I thought I would talk her out of being afraid – as if that’s ever happened before.

I walked through her doorway and she pointed above the door.


I squinted, but barely saw it. She has high ceilings and I’m nearsighted. No sooner had she pointed this one out that she screamed that, “There’s another one!”

This one, being a cellar spider, was very difficult to see and I couldn’t figure out where “there” was. I kept trying to get her to be a bit more descriptive but didn’t get anywhere. Finally, after realizing the futility of inaction, I returned to my room and got my glasses – and the vacuum.

When I was ready, I looked up to the black spider above the door and was a little shocked that the little black spider that I could barely see without my glasses was actually quite big. The body of this thing was the size of a Good And Plenty. Just as I was about to suck it up, it jumped.


It was as if the spider said, “Oh, well. I’m outa here!” It jumped. Did I tell you it jumped? Almost on top of me, too. I jumped, my daughter jumped. There was screaming. Of course, after it jumped, it tried to make a run for it and I was prepared with my Spider Sucker. With my glasses on I was able to suck up the cellar spider, too. Then, because some wise-guy told me they don’t die in there (thanks, Joe), I put the vacuum in the bathtub for the night.

As I was writing this, my laptop battery died on me. Walking downstairs into my bedroom to charge it, I almost walked face first into a dangling red spider in the doorway of my room.

Fortunately for me, my kids are fighting and taking my mind off being creeped-out.

I can’t conclude this post until I mention one other thing. A little earlier today my kids informed me that there was a bird in the house. The news morphed into the fact it was a dead bird. I went into the dining room to find a bunch of little feathers and my cat’s latest victim. As I gently picked it up on the towel it was on (because, yes, there just happened to be a towel on my floor. Don’t ask what else is down there.) and carried it outside. It is still alive and there doesn’t appear to be any gaping wounds, though its eye is a little mangled. I put it in the shade (the sun is a bit much to be sitting directly in for an indefinite period of time) and we’re watching it.

As if I’m running a play-by-play, I can hear my kids yelling that the bird is gone. Thankfully, my furry killer was unsuccessful today. And so it goes in the house with all the critters…



  1. When I read this, I thought of you. Warning, some foul language, but it’s effing funny.

  2. Thanks! I liked the first picture of a normal girl + spider = screaming girl. That’s me.

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